May 8, 2010

I've been ill lately and have reverted to mumbling to myself. The two of us always have a conversation when I'm down and out. Just before I go to sleep it's particularly intense. I'll keep shouting out loud, "no, no, no. I don't. Go away." Or, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." We used to go on like that for hours.

"Go to sleep," says my wife impatiently. If I don't stop, she kicks me. I don't kick back and I don't reply. What is there to say? I can't escape my demons. When I'm sick they all come out, one after another.

It's always starts like this. I'm walking down the beach at low tide with my alter ego, a little sub-human, a scab-faced, blonde-haired 'Lepre-con. Imagine a pig-sized Glen Beck. He's pulling after him his blackboard, which endlessly falls over in the wet sand. He gets it back upright but I don't help or wait for him. Of course, sooner or later he catches up and, huffing and puffing, and looking up at me with these awful, bloodshot eyes. His cheeks are scabbed and dotted with little bloody bits of toilet paper where he's cut himself shaving.

I know what he wants. I pick him up and hold him in one arm, the way you might if you were teaching an obese child you didn't like to swim.

"Here you go, you flying pigo," I'll say, squeezing him until I hope he can't stand it any more. But he can take a lot of pain and he'll calmly reach out to the blackboard and write something like this:

"O = E"

"Obama Equals Enlightenment," he'll say in his pleading little voice. "That's what you statists all think. But he doesn't." Then he'll draw a line through the equal sign. "He doesn't equal enlightenment. He equals delusion and utter stupidity. He's a moron. There, I've said it. The president is a moron and worse."

Then he'll draw a line through the O so that it looks like the 'null set'.

"Obama equals nothing?" I'll say. "You equal nothing. You equal less than nothing. You're the moron. In fact, you look up to morons."

"Statists always sound the same," he'll say turning to look into an imaginary camera. "Is this the new civility we keep hearing about? Tell it to the 'teabaggers'? Your Obama called us 'teabaggers'. What kind of civility is that?"

I tell el-pigo I'll drown him if he doesn't go away.

"But you love me," he'll say. "In some way you do."

"No, I don't. No. Go away. You gopher-creton."

"Am I?" he'll say and then his face with come up to me like an icon magnified in the dock. "I know who you are."

"You don't know anything, you're just the horrible part of myself I can't escape."

"Ah yes, speaking of which," he'll say and his voice is so proud. "Speaking of which, I want to show you some of your finer moments lately. Shall we have a little review?" And he'll turn as though to the producer: "Clip No. 45. Go."

Sure enough it'll be some horrible thing I've done. Maybe it was even years ago. Some horrible thing I said to someone. He'll keep playing it over and over. Finally, I'm yelling, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

This when my wife begins to kick me.

"Okay you cheap little trick what is it you want?" I say to the pig.

"Tell me that as much as you hate me you really love me. Why? Because I'm one of your 'founders' if I might say. I was there at the beginning and you need me."

And that's when I just throw up my hands and walk right into the sea, and I just keep going until I have to start swimming and even if there's a rip tide I'll keep swimming. I don't care. I don't care if I make it or not. And he'll be on the shore jumping up and down, throwing one of his tantrums, or else writing on the blackboard, and I can just barely see it: "Stay out there, you statist moron."


Anonymous said...

Does this really happen to you?
I get the same malaise when my head just goes on and on none stop, it can last for a whole night. Sometimes I want to blow up my head and have some rest. But I don't have conversations like...

Anjuli said...

I'm not sure why but my blog reader keeps listing blog updates which are not here when I come to read them. Maybe they are older postings?

Hope you are feeling better. Never allow someone else to get so under your skin that you feel sickened- it is not worth it.

macnamband said...

I do occasionally update old postings or finish old postings started months ago but not published.... Thank you as always for your comments.